Prayer

I have received several emails from someone who has a sister in the hospital. The sister has been sick for several weeks now. She has been on a roller coaster of a ride, in terms of how she has responded to treatment. Every improvement, no matter how small, is seen as a sign of God answering prayers, while the declines are ignored.
It's sad. The situation is heart-breaking. It's clear to me that this is a case of a slow physical decline, with the body fighting as best it can to survive. It explains the ups and downs so much better than assuming that a god is listening, and chooses to have the woman dangle on the edge of death for no good reason.
The problem is, of course, that actually saying anything like this would be horrific to the family. Expressing such doubts would irreparably mar our relationship, perhaps to the degree of complete separation. It is my hope that she gets better, but I hold out no hope that a divine intervention will occur.

My conversion

For a long time, I've been a faithful Christian. Even before my conversion in college, I held basic Christian ideals, and was always uncomfortable with anti-Christian art and literature.

I remained Christian until several years ago, when personal issues led me to reevaluate the basis for my beliefs. As a Christian, one of my favorite activities was Christian apologetics. I loved to argue, and it was fun to pry into someone's arguments and take them down.

My conversion began for two reasons: 1) the conversion of someone near to me to another religion and 2) the realization that I was not applying the same rigorous standards of belief to my own faith as I was to other religions.

The first forced me to look at my religion from a neutral standpoint. If I were to honestly evaluate this person's new claims, I would have to be dispassionate about it. Begging the question by assuming either viewpoint would obscure the truth.

The second came at about the same time. As I was grappling with this perceived attack on my religion, I also became aware of the fact that I let a lot of claims about Christianity slide. While I was perfectly happy to debunk Mormon claims to miracles, for example, I was unwilling to see that my on religion had its set of outlandish beliefs.

So, I set out to rebuild my faith, seeking a more mature and defensible position. And that's where it all fell apart. All of the little doubts I had about Christianity came back, and this time I couldn't just sweep them under the rug.

So, one night, after reading for yet another several hours on the Internet, I sat back, took a deep breath and admitted out loud that I no longer believed in God. It was an odd moment, full of fear, yet also in a way freeing.

I'm still in the closet about my new position. It's a painful place to be. I go to weekly services. I play the part of the Christian parent, while at the same time, I worry about the things people are teaching my children. My family are almost all strongly religious, and they will view my conversion as a direct attack upon them, no matter how I approach it. Many of my customers are Evangelical Christians, and they tend to try to avoid atheists. I am without a doubt going to lose business if I go public.

But then, how much longer can I go on? It's becoming increasingly apparent to some that something has changed in me, and this will eventually be brought out in the open, since I am not going to lie about it. In addition, my children are getting to the point of life where they begin questioning, and I am not going to lie to them. At that point, I would imagine that it will be impossible to hide.

Hello, I suppose

I opened this blog to post musing about the world as I see it. I've been going through a lot of changes in my beliefs, and I'd like to have some outlet to express them. I'm not sure this is a good idea. After all, people have a nasty habit of seeing a change in belief as a betrayal of the ideals you used to share. This usually results in broken relationships, which is sad, since both sides are denied a chance to grow at that point.